Voldemort Live!
by NaziHalo
Summary: Voldemort holding a talkshow showing clips of harry potter you've never seen.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own anything of Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling does, though I wish I did. 

"Voldemort live!"

Scene One:  [The lights come on and Voldemort is standing in the middle of the stage waving. Signs flash saying "Applause or die."  Fans are chained to seats and nervously clap.

Voldemort: What a great audience, let's just say I dragged them in here!

[Voldemort laughs insanely while a little monkey chained to a drum set plays the little joke beat]

Voldemort: Oh I crack me up.

Audience Member: Please do!

Voldemort: Silence!

[Voldemort sends a bolt of lightning to the audience member who disappears instantly.]

Voldemort:  Well today on my show, I will be showing clips of Harry Potter that they didn't show. How me, the great Voldemort is showing you this, I do not know, just go with it, or die a horrible death.

Scene 2: [Everyone has just settled down in the great hall and began eating. Nearly Headless Nick comes by talking to the children, when of course Hermione interrupts. "NEEEEAAAARRRRLLYYY HHHEEEAAAADDLLEESSS! HOW CAN YOU BE NEEEEEEAAARRRLLYYY HEEAADDLEESS?! Hermione sends and earsplitting shriek that shakes the whole building. Nearly Headless Nick hides under a table, the sorting hat eats itself, Draco is shocked so much his jaw and eyes fall out, Snape can't stand the loudness of the shriek and dives his head right into his mashed potatoes, kids jump out of windows, and the castle is in frenzy.  Two hours later. Ministry of Magic is there, news reporters, and there is a death.]

Reporter Lady:  (interviewing Draco) A tragedy has happened today, the loved and adored Severus Snape has died. How you ask? Drowned in mashed potatoes. Tell me Draco, what happened today?

[Draco's eyes are slightly popping out and his jaw is taped to his head, so when he talks it falls a bit.]

Draco: Well I'm sitting down thinking how to brutally kill Potter when I hear Granger scream and it shocks the hell out of me, [Reporter Lady stares at his jaw not listening to a word he is saying] and my jaw and eyes fall out, and when I finally get my eyes back in, I look over, and my foot is in Goyle's mouth!

Report Lady: That's great, tell me were you close to Professor Snape?

Draco: He was like an old and really creepy brother to me. Excuse me, I have to fix my jaw and hit things, hitting things might help this situation.

[Reporter Lady gets a whiskey bottle from her purse, takes a swig, and runs out of there.]

Scene 3:  Back with Voldemort

Voldemort: [Voldemort backstage in his dressing room wearing a pink jacket and singing in the mirror ] I think I'll take a walk outside now the sun shines calling my name I hear you now I just can't wait inside all day na na na na na na na na! [Voldemort gets really into the song and start jumping up] Everybody is smiling sunshine Day! [Looks over to see the cameras watching him.] I thought I told you never come in here!! [Camera falls over]

Technical Difficulties sign flashes and cheesy music plays.

Scene 4: Voldemort: [He runs back on stage] Alright, I'm back I just had to get a new camera man! Anyways, this next clip shows if Harry actually has a special interest to someone. 

[Voldemort is standing in the middle of a room wearing a purple dress and a black wig.] I'm a pretty lady, I'm a very pretty lady. [Tape ends immediately]

Voldemort: How did that get in here, I mean what in the world! Play the right clip damn't!

Scene 5:  

Harry: [Harry at the zoo looking at the snake.] Can you hear me? [Snake nods yes] Do you find me attractive? [Snakes nods] Want me to come in there with you? [Snakes nods yet again. Harry makes the glass disappear and climbs in with the snakes. Music plays in the backround. 

Music: I've been feeling fine baby, trying to hold back this feeling for so long….

Dudley: [Dudley sees what is happening and is immediately interested.] Mom, Dad, come look what Harry is doing! [They all pull up a chair and began eating popcorn. Half an hour passes when everyone is on the edge of their seats staring when finally from harry you hear…] 

Harry: Checkmate! [Harry and Snake are sitting down playing chess and Snake hangs his down, sad that he lost.]

Scene 6: [Back with Voldemort. Wiping sweat off his forehead.]

Voldemort: Some scene, the suspense I tell you. Well that it's for today…..[Looks over at camera who is yelling one more clip] It seems we have another clip, let's get this over with so I can go home, my show One Life to Live is on!

Scene 7: [Voldemort standing in a room this time wearing a red dress and putting on lipstick.] I'm a pretty lady, I'm a very pretty lady.

Voldemort: [Shocked, beyond shocked] When did I do that?! Nevermind that, play the right clip or I'll hit something! Don't think I won't.

Scene 8:  Hermione: [Hermione standing in front of dormitory room] I'm going to bed because I'm tired. [passes out while knocking the camera guy over making the camera fall to the ground, right next to Hermione's face. Hermione drooling slightly on the floor. 

Ron: She needs to get her sleep.

Scene 9: Voldemort, again.

Voldemort: That's all we have for today, come back next time where we show Chamber of Secrets clips! Thank you and read my magazine "I don't hate you, I just want to kill you." 

[Credits role and shows in big letters that Voldemort saying he was a pretty lady is not true and was not apart of the bloopers, no monkeys were hurt during this shooting.]


	2. Second Show

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

"Voldemort Live" Second show.

Scene One: [A little man walks on stage carrying a microphone]

Little Man: Um, hello. Voldemort will come out here in just a second, but for now I'm here. I'm getting a Corolla, yeah that's a Toyota.

[Music comes on and Voldemort comes out, and he waves to the audience who are in electric chairs. Little man hangs his head down and walks off the stage stroking his Barbie doll.]

Voldemort: Hello, welcome to my show! Today we will be showing… [Camera man points to his shoes. Voldemort looks down and sees her is wearing red high heels.]

Voldemort: How did those get there? [Voldemort walks backstage, looks around and places the shoes in his dressing room] Anyways, today we will be showing clips of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, including one from Sorcerer's Stone, and an extra! 

Voldemort: [Waits for applause. Hears nothing. Voldemort walks to the right of the stage to a large switch and coughs. Audience gets the message and starts clapping loudly.]

Voldemort: Yes, this reminds me of my house, cold, creepy, and full of slaves. Anyways, my cast has gotten the tapes mixed up again! [Looks over to the cast who are all monkeys dressed in tuxedos.] So, we will have to pass the time. The audience can ask me questions and I will answer. Let's begin. Yes, you there.

Audience Member #1: Voldemort, do you have any friends?

Voldemort: Oh, I had a friend once till I came home one night and he married my mother!

Audience Member #1: I thought your mother died at a young age.

Voldemort: The mother who took care of me, and thank you for reminding me of her death! Next!

Lenny from the Simpsons: You really should stop bullying people!

Voldemort: [Runs over to the large switch and pulls it electrocuting Lenny. A pile of ashes lay on the chair.]

Kyle from South Park: You killed Lenny, you bastard!

Voldemort: [Burns Kyle to a crisp] Anyone else have questions?

Audience: [silence]

Voldemort: I was just informed the clips are ready! First we'll start off with a couple from Sorcerer's Stone we missed last time.

Scene Two: [Seamus and all of his friends are sitting at the Griffindor table eating on the first day at Hogwarts.]

Seamus: I'm half and half, me dad's a muggle, mom's a man, bit of a nasty shock for him when he found out.

Friends: [Dropping their food and staring at him]

Scene Three: Back with Voldemort

Voldemort: That was…interesting…yes that's the word. This next scene is with Oliver Wood, he is so fine! [swoons]

Scene Four: [Oliver Wood is sitting on the field with Harry teaching him the rules of Quidditch.]

Harry: How come the hoops are different sizes?

Oliver: [Looking at an apple] Because they love you.

Harry: [Giving him a weird look]

Oliver: Harry, Quidditch is a lot like an apple. [Gazing at the apple] There is the skin and it's rough, but the inside is so juicy. You see, the keeper, that's you, is going to eat the apple. [Oliver chomps into the apple savoring every bite]

Harry: I thought I was the apple.

Scene Five: Voldemort giggling like a school girl.

Voldemort: Did you see Oliver? He is such a hottie! Anyways, I have extra bloopers of the third film! I think everyone was a little tipsy.

Scene Six: Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Crookshanks are in a car with Crookshanks driving.

Harry: Hey, Hermione do you think Crookshanks should be driving? He was hitting the boos pretty hard.

Ron: Crookshanks drives all the time. We go bowling together.

Hermione: [Drooling in the back seat]

[The car suddenly swerves and the car goes speeding over a cliff.]

Harry: [Trying to jump out the window]

Ron: Mary, Zeus, Jesus son of Nazarath! Allah, Osirus, Isis! Help me Cod! [Screams like a girl and hides under seat sucking thumb]

Hermione: [Still drooling]

Crookshanks: [Meowing/Screaming with paws in the air and eyes wide open]

Scene Seven: Voldemort laughing to the point of tears.

Voldemort: Did you what kind of car they were driving! A tercel! [Starts pounding on a wall while the audience looks around.]

Voldemort: Anyways, we don't have much time so I'm going to be showing the clips without interrupting for a while.

Scene eight: Dueling Scene in Chamber of Secrets.

Draco: Scared Potter?

Harry: If you say so. [winks at him]

Draco: [shifts eyes] You're line was you wish.

Harry: [in a low voice] You wish

Draco: I don't like the tone of your voice.

Harry: [very high pitched voice] You wish!

Scene nine: Scene with Tom Riddle

[Tom has just vanished and Harry and Ginny are sitting on the ground. A bunch of screaming girls run in holding books and pens. A voice comes over the intercom.]

Intercom: The heir of Slytherin has left the building.

[All the screaming girls turn around and run back where they came from]

Scene Ten: Voldemort

Voldemort: Well, that's all the time we have for today! Come back next time when I have Jeopordy! Goodbye, and always let your conscience turn you to the dark arts. Yes, you want to practice the dark arts…you are falling more into the dark grasp…[coughs] yes sorry. I've been working on hypnotism! Goodbye!

[Voldemort waves and walks away not seeing the monkey and trips over the monkey who falls and hit a camera the camera fall over and hits a light the light falls to the ground and hits the drapes and the whole place is a flame. Voldemort sees the place on fire and run to his dressing room and saves all his good dresses, while the little man saves all his barbies. The End.]


	3. Jeapordy

Disclaimer:  I own nothing.

Thank Yous: Thank you to all who reviewed! Though I don't know why you did…

JEAPORDY!

Scene One: [Lights come on, music starts up, audience claps, and Voldemort Trebeck comes out to his podium.]

Voldemort Trebeck: Hello, I'm Voldemort Trebeck and welcome to Jeapordy! Let's see out guests today.

[Trebeck walks over to a nervous Ron behind a podium.]

Trebeck: So what's your name?

Ron: [sweating] my name….you want my name…my name is...uh…Ronnie...Ron...Ron...Jr...McCall. Yeah! [His name taking up the whole blue spot on his podium.

Trebeck: That's the worst name I've ever heard.

Audience Member: [cries and runs out of the studio]

Another Audience Member: Ronnie Ron Ron!

[Trebeck walks to the next podium and standing behind it is Lucius Malfoy. Trebeck looks at the blue spot and see Ladies Man written there.]

Trebeck: Lucius, you're name isn't Ladies Man.

Lucius: I can't help it if all the women want me. I got a butt and I like to shake it!

Trebeck: You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Lucius: No, but I kiss your mother!

Trebeck: Don't remind me, moving on.

[Walks down to the last podium]

Trebeck: Hello, what is your name today?

[Runs behind podium]

Voldemort: My name is Voldemort, you've probably heard of me as being the best sorcerer in the world! Which I am.

[Runs back as Trebeck]

Trebeck: You are the greatest! I bet you're a wiz with the ladies.

Lucius: I'm a wiz with the ladies, I'm the ladies man!

Voldemort: Well you know, they come to me every now and then.

Trebeck: Stop being modest! Want to go out for a drink later?

Voldemort: Yeah that'd be great.

Trebeck: [looks around] alright let's get started. Today's categories are: Things that go boom, Oh God please stop the pain, Movies, An alight…what the hell is that? [Looks over at monkeys who are all dressed as showgirls] It seems to mean things that catch on fire. Instruments that end with ums, Harry Potter, Wizards, and finally, does this make my butt look big? No, seriously, does this make my butt look big? [everyone shifts eyes] Anyways, we'll start with Voldemort.

Voldemort: Well, I don't know let's see let's see a category. I rhymed! Um… [Laughs]…um…[laughs again]

Trebeck: Let's move on to Ronnie Ron Ron.

Ron: I'll take giraffes for a billion.

Trebeck: That's not a category.

Ron: Sorry, giraffes for 800.

Trebeck: I hate you. Moving on to, do we really have to choose him?

Lucius: The day is mine! I'll take anal light for $100. I don't know what anal light is but your giving me ideas.

Trebeck: [looks at board] that's an alight, things that are used to make fire.

Lucius: [buzzer] a flashlight

Trebeck: I said things that catch fire not anal light!

Lucius: You want it to be that don't you!

Trebeck: We'll talk about that later! Ronnie, your board.

Ron: Yeah, I'll take Anal Light for a thousand.

Trebeck: [throws cards on the ground] roll the commercials.

[Voldemort Trebeck walks backstage and gets his assistant]

Trebeck: Get me some milk and some tranquilizers. 

[Trebeck walks up to camera man]

Trebeck: Why does Lucius have to be here? He's had it in for me ever since I kinda stole his wife's purse.

Camera Man: You did?

Trebeck: Except replace the word stole with wore and the word purse with high heels.

Camera Man: [Walks away]

Trebeck: [yells] I'm going to sleep wake me up when Double Jeopardy is on.

[Trebeck is lying on the floor until someone pokes him with a stick.]

Camera Man: Get up, Double Jeapordy is on soon and take off those earrings, they suit you.

[Trebeck walks to the stage and see Oliver Wood is talking to Ron]

Oliver: You know Ronnie Ron Ron [gazing at the apple] Jeopardy is like an apple tree. You sit around and wait for that question to come so you can make apple juice.

Ron: That didn't even make sense.

Oliver: I always make sense. The apple that's Lucius is going to eat the apple. [Chomps into the apple]

Lucius:  I thought I was the apple.

[Voldemort Trebeck walks center stage]

Trebeck: Alright welcome to Double Jeopardy. Let's see, Lucius Malfoy is in the lead with zero.

Lucius: You rule the day you crossed me, Trebeck!

Trebeck: That's great; Voldemort is in second place with -200. [Runs to podium]

Voldemort: Those earrings look good on you. [Runs back to center stage]

Trebeck: You think so, they went with my tie. And in third place Ronnie Ron Ron with an amazing -50,000.

Ron: Well, it was hard but I did it.

Trebeck: Ron you're in last place, your turn.

Ron: I'll take Harry Potter for 200.

Trebeck: [reading the question] this man is Draco Malfoy's father. [Pauses and looks over at Lucius.] Lucius, you might want to answer this.

Lucius: [buzzer] John Hancock

Trebeck: He's not even in Harry Potter; also you need it in a form of a question.

Ron: [buzzer] what is John Hancock

Trebeck: [ripping up the cards] alright let's move up to the final round.  All you have to do is write your name, that's it. Grab the pen in your hand and write letters that spell your name.

[Jeopardy music plays for 30 seconds while everyone writes.]

Trebeck: Alright let's see what we have. [Walks up to Ron's podium] Let's see what you have. Your answer [looks at screen nothing is there] you had to write your name and you got it wrong?! 

Ron: I lost my pen.

Trebeck: Your wager... [Looks at screen which says '2,000'] I thought you said you lost your pen?

Ron: I did, and then I found it.

Trebeck: You are an idiot. Moving on to Lucius, what did you write? Your answer [looks at blue screen and sees 'a drawing of lucius'] I said write your name not draw you!

Lucius: [Lucius smiles]

Trebeck: Your wager. [Looks at screen see 'a picture of Lucius kissing his mother'] That's just sick!

Lucius: You know she wants me.

Trebeck: Voldemort, let's see what you put. [Sees 'Voldemort written'] thank you! Your wager? [Sees 'rules' written] Good enough! Voldemort wins! Thank you, now I can watch Oprah!

[Credits Roll and Lucius is seen trying to make a move on the monkey showgirl]


	4. Voldemort Live Live!

Disclaimer: I own it! I own everything! Muha! Come and sue me!

"Voldemort Live Live!"

Scene One: [The Studio is dark and there is complete silence. A spot light centers in the middle of the stage and Voldemort is there sitting on a stool with a microphone. He's wearing an I Love NY t-shirt, with blue jeans, sandals, and a pink studded belt that says 'bad.']

Voldemort: I thought today I'd start the show off by singing a little song. 

[Voldemort looks very sullen and points to the piano player to start.]

Voldemort: Do the hustle! [Jumps up and down and does the hustle.] Doot doot.

[Music stops playing and a stage manager comes out.]

Stage Manager: Okay, yeah, it goes, do do do du do de do do.  [Hands Voldemort the script.]

Voldemort: Oh, you know I love this song, I practiced all day….I mean, I looked it over you know, I could have sworn I could at least hum the hustle.

Stage Manager: Yeah, well it happens to the best of us.

Voldemort: So, [starts picking lint off the stage managers shoulder.] what are you doing after the show? [Winks]

Stage Manager: I have to go home and do stage manager things you know, um, bye. [Runs off]

Voldemort: He'll be back; anyways I have some exciting things for you today! [Voldemort realizes he is still in the spotlight.] Turn on all the lights!

[The lights come and the only person in the audience is Wormtail.]

Voldemort: What are you doing here? I told you I never wanted to see you again!

Wormtail: But I can change Voldemort; just give me a second chance.

Voldemort: Never! After I saw you and that monkey…I don't want to talk about.

Wormtail: I brought cookies.

Voldemort: Leave the cookies and get the hell out of my sight.

[Wormtail hangs his head which makes the sound of a squeaky hinge and leaves the building.]

Voldemort: We need an audience! Get an audience in here!

[30 seconds pass by and the studio fills up with people.]

Voldemort: That was fast, where did you get all these people.

Stage Manager: Your closet in your dressing room.

Voldemort: Here are three sickles. Do me a favor sweetheart and tell no one.

Stage Manager: Wow, with all that money how could I refuse. [Walks away without taking the money.]

Voldemort: He'll be back. Hello audience! Welcome! I have great things in store for you today! Four clips from Chamber of Secrets and guests from Harry Potter!

[Audience is silent.]

Voldemort: This is where you applaud.

Audience: [Violently claps]

Audience member: Take it off!

Voldemort: Oh stop.

[Audience starts clapping wildly.]

[Voldemort lifts up his shirt and it blurs out his chest. Audience stops clapping and is shocked.]

Voldemort: Well, [Fans himself] let's get onto the clips.

Scene Two: [Ron and Harry run into the Ford Angela. The car begins to fly in the air and a man looks in the sky to see a car flying.] Taxi!

Voldemort: [Flirting with himself in the mirror not aware that the camera is on him. A man throws a stick at him and Voldemort looks up.] Oh hello! Welcome back! Wasn't that juicy? Huh?! Alright, now for the next clip, chip chop.

Scene Three: [A howler lands in front of Ron at the Gryffindor. He opens it up and it starts to yell. When it's done he notices everyone is looking at him and tries to eat casually. He gradually starts eating faster as he notices they're still staring. He looks around and starts asking people what they're looking at while still putting food in his mouth. Everyone continues to stare even more. Ron starts waving his arms around yelling what is everyone staring at while food drops out of his mouth and he runs out of the hall in a frenzy.]

Voldemort: Ron, I think all that red hair went to your head….went to your head! [Laughs] Get it? It's on his head? [Everyone is quiet.] Oh forget, just role the clip.

Scene Four: [The Wealsey kids and Harry are sneaking into the Weasley house after just rescuing Harry.]

Mrs. Weasley: Where have you been?! No note! Beds empty! I hate you!

[Kids all look hurt at their mother.]

Voldemort: Hahahahaha! Did you see the look on that stupid little boy's face? It was priceless, they're mother hates them, how sweet.

Scene Five: [Harry and Ron are being circled by big hungry spiders, but before they're eaten a car crashes through rescuing them. From behind the trees there is a noise and the muggle from earlier looks over to the car.] Taxi!

Voldemort: [On the phone.] Anyways, I told Mark if he wants to be with me he'll have to make some sacrifices. I will not do all his little roleplaying games anymore! I will refuse to sleep with him too.

Stage Manager: Someone tell him we're back on.

Stage Manager's Assistant: Shh, I want to hear this.

Camera Man: Cell phones don't work in here… [They all look at Voldemort with bizarre looks.]

Voldemort: Oh, I'm back on, bye. [Closes phone.] Now, what all you've been waiting for! Our guests! [Sits on a chair with two other chairs across from him.] Now, let me introduce our first guess. We all know him very well, use to be one of my best friends, Severus Snape!

[Cheesy music comes on as Snape walks down the walkway and sits down on the chair.]

Voldemort: It's so good to have you here today Severus.

Snape: Well, it's good to be here.

Voldemort: Now, Severus, why are you here today?

Snape: I'm here to tell a secret to Harry Potter.

Voldemort: And what is that?

Snape: It's a surprise. Ohh, I'm just tingling in my stockings. [Camera looks down to see he is wearing blue tights under his black coat.]

Voldemort: Hey, those are mine! Oh well, I have more. Let's bring out Harry!

[Harry walks down walkway and sits down next to Snape.]

Harry: So, what is it you have to tell me?

Snape: Harry, love, we've been together for two wonderful years.

Harry: Get to the point.

Snape: I'm your father.

Harry: Oh my God! Oh my God! [Thows up]

Snape: I'm just kidding! [Voldemort…(Voldemort is too long to write, I'll call him V-dog) and Snape laugh hysterically.]

Harry: [Wipes mouth.] That wasn't funny.

Snape: Okay, now to real business. I've been cheating on you.

Harry: What? With who?

Snape: With Lucius!

Harry: I can't believe it.

Snape: Can you forgive me?

Harry: How long has this been going on?

Snape: For a month.

Harry: [shakes his head]

V-Dog: Let's have some comments from the audience.

[V-Dog points at a man with a black beard and red hair.]

V-Dog: Yes, and what's your name?

Audience member: My name? You want my name…um…Nor, my name is nor.

V-dog: You look familiar nor.

Nor: No, I don't.

Harry: Ron, is that you?

Nor: No!

Harry: Ron, I know it's you.

Nor: [Shifts eyes and throws a smoke bomb on the ground. The smoke finally clears and Ron is seen exiting the back door.]

V-Dog: Okay…well, so Harry, what's going to happen?

Harry: I never want to see you again Severus.

Snape: Okay, whatever.

V-Dog: Now to commercials.

[Oliver wood is sitting next to a bucket of apples. In the back round there is a cow and a dog.]

Oliver: You know farming is a lot like apple sauce, it gets really watery when you leave it in the fridge uncovered.

The Cow:[Gives a weird look to Oliver.]

Oliver: The apple that you [Points to the cow] is going to eat the apple. [Bites into apple.]

Cow: Moo!

V-Dog: Well, that concludes our show please come back again when we show "Behind the Magic." Thank you and always let the dog eat the victim's body!


End file.
